The Mysterious Nielsen Ratings are Killing Me

"You just made a fool out of yourself in front of T Bone"...siiiiiiiiiiiigh

Most people who know anything about TV shows know that the measure of a show's popularity is determined by something called the "Nielsen ratings". Apparently, advertisers rely on these ratings to determine whether or not to spend the money to run commercials for products and services during a given TV show. I think that these ratings also claim to provide information to the advertisers incredibly detailed information like "Show X is only watched by 4 million people each week, but it's the 3rd most popular among hyperactive teenagers named Stephen". But I have no idea what they claim to do, or what they actually do, and that's my point. The success or failure of TV shows is being largely determined by this mysterious ratings system that I hereby proclaim to be a total sham.

I spent a few minutes researching the Nielsen Ratings at their website (www.nielsenmedia.com) before writing this irresponsible article, but since that is more time than the NY Times would spend fact-checking anything, I think that's fair. We can at least agree it is unquestionably WAY more time than the NY Post would spend. Anyway, their website claims that they "select households through one of two different methods: geographic selection (area probability sampling) in the national sample and larger markets, and randomly-generated telephone numbers (Total Telephone Frame) in smaller markets." Bullshit, I say. If Nielsen really did this kind of random population sampling, I'm sure I would know SOMEONE who at least knows someone else who has been asked to participate in the Nielsen ratings. But I've never met anyone who has.

Now admittedly, I am not the most popular person alive. I do, however, know a lot of people. Not millions of people, but I do know a lot of interesting people, and through them, people who know other interesting people. I know someone whose sister's best friend is the personal assistant for a well-known Hollywood star. I know someone whose old co-worker was a consultant for Major League Baseball and is single-handedly responsible for MLB's decision to start charging for the formerly free Internet radio broadcasts of all games (and I swear if I ever meet this guy I am slashing his tires SO FAST...). I know someone who spent over $20 to purchase a DVD of Superman Returns, when in fact it is one of the worst movies of all time. And yet I do not know a single person who knows someone who knows someone who KNOWS someone who has a Nielsen ratings box.

If you look at the terrible shows that the Nielsen Ratings declare a "success" and the awesome shows that the Nielsen Ratings declare a "failure", it suggests two possibilities: 1) 90% of America is outrageously stupid, or 2) the Nielsen Ratings aren't truly capturing the viewing habits of a lot of us. Just to help me sleep better at night, I have to believe it's Option 2.
For those times when you're sitting around thinking, "Gosh, I wish a terrible sitcom that insults my intelligence were on right now"

According to the Nielsen Ratings, Two and a Half Fucking Men (which actually would be a much funnier title) is the most popular comedy on TV. Meanwhile, I don't know a single person that watches this show. Not one. And in the interest of scientific research, I decided to try to watch one time. Jon Cryer is up on the roof fixing the satellite dish, and Charlie Sheen is holding the ladder. Jon Cryer says something like "Now Charlie, make sure to hold that ladder steady." "Of course I will hold the ladder steady, what am I an idiot?" asks Charlie to raucous fake laughter. Well, you will never believe this, but a hot chick comes by and asks to borrow some sugar (as hot chicks are wont to do) , and Charlie lets the girl into his house and LETS GO OF THE LADDER!!!! AND THEN JON CRYER FALLS OFF THE ROOF!!!!!!!! This joke might have been hilarious in 1919, before like, um, dialogue, and before people had ever seen a moving picture. But if I'd written this joke in 2007, and actually pitched it to a group of presumably accomplished writers, and they LIKED it, I think I would go home every night and drink myself into a stupor.

Conversely, low Nielsen Ratings led to the cancellation of Arrested Development, one of the funniest shows of all time that was watched by a lot of people I know personally. Two years ago, weak Nielsen Ratings led to the cancellation of Jericho, prompting enraged viewers to send 40,000 lbs of nuts to CBS (which would make sense if you'd ever watched the show). Although nobody I knew watched this show, there were clearly hundreds of thousands of fans out there who were watching and liked the show. Possibly millions, when you factor in people like me who were too lazy to actually send in nuts in protest (I think I just sent a polite email to CBS explaining that if they were to cancel Jericho I would appreciate it if they would all rot in Hell)

I also can't believe that Nielsen Ratings are taking into account DVR-d or TIVO-d programs. Most people that are smart and would appreciate good TV are probably too busy to put their lives on hold for 30-60 minutes and watch a TV show when it airs. Why should I have to alter my life to make time for TV when I can DVR a show and watch it whenever I feel like? Stupid people, on the other hand, are either unemployed or working a job that allows them to leave at 4:59 pm every day (that's right, I'm looking at you, lady at the Santa Ana office of the California Alcoholic Beverage Control Board). That still leaves you with plenty of time to eat your McDonalds and make a quick run to your meth dealer so that you can sit down at 8:00 pm to enjoy your favorite show.

I also can't believe that Nielsen Ratings take into effect people who watch sporting events or certain other major TV events like the Olympics or the season finale of The Apprentice: Season 1 (Kwame was hosed, BTW). I'd estimate that over 1 million people watched the 2008 World Series at a bar - are those people being included in the estimates of record-low ratings? If they're being included, how does that work?? Is the bartender/bar owner supposed to be doing a headcount and emailing that info to the Nielsen people?

And even if the magical Nielsen box that is transmitting information from your TV to a central headquarters really exists and is capable of doing that, in order to provide the detailed information the Nielsen Ratings claim they have, such as how many viewers aged 14-23 watch a particular show, it would still require the viewer to take some action to identify himself. Maybe it's as easy as pushing a button marked "Dad" or "Sister" when you're watching a show. And yet, I still insist that most people are SO lazy, they wouldn't even do this. Plus there are probably a lot of people who don't want to admit to watching certain shows. I know if I were watching Gossip Girl (simply by way of example, not like I'd ever actually, I mean...um, never mind) and could blame it on my little sister by pushing a button, I'd do that. Preserve my street cred.

Wait, the Nielsen box says I was watching what?? Oh, um, that was, uh, somebody else.

I guess the good news is that as DVRs are becoming more prevalent, people are cutting out the commercials, which will soon force TV to move to a new pay-per-view or subscription system, similar to ITunes. Then, I can just pay for the quality shows I want to watch (as well as any non-quality shows that I want to watch but not admit to), and the rest of America can go on watching "So You Think You Can Dance with America's Favorite Kitten XII". Until then, I'm on a quest to find all the people with Nielsen boxes (if there are any) who refused to watch Arrested Development and literally beat some sense into them.

Pay Up, Fatasses

Last week I attended a conference that focused on improving the affordability of health care in America. I was blown away by the absolutely incredible rise of obesity in this country over the last 25 years. Take ten seconds and check out this graph: http://www.revolutionhealth.com/conditions/obesity/obesity-epidemic

I'll assume you were too lazy to click that and quickly summarize: In 1990, on average 11.6% of Americans were obese. Today, 25%, or 1 out of every 4 of us, is obese. Not just "Oh, I could stand to lose a few pounds." Obese.

What's the cause for this skyrocketing rise in obesity? There's just no way that this disaster is due solely to a rise in genetic disorders that make you fat. I understand that we're all expected to work more than ever before, and have less time to cook healthy meals. I personally "cooked" fewer than 30 times in 2008, if you exclude "heating up a Lean Cuisine" or "grilling Boca Burgers on the Forman Grill". But you know what I didn't do? Eat this:

Appetizing, eh? Did you know that Chili's discontinued the Awesome Blossom?? I guarantee it was not because it ceased being popular. Some guy probably tried to eat 2 orders by himself on a dare and had his heart explode right there in Chili's. Here's something else I decided not to put in my body after 2 seconds of thought:

The Guacamole Bacon Six Dollar burger at Carl's Jr. There's a difference between "splurging" once in a while, and eating stuff like this on a regular basis. The fact that restaurants are allowed to serve us food like this is borderline criminal.

But for years I've thought, hey, you want to eat garbage and be a fatass, go ahead. Eat yourself sick. But what I learned last week is that one of the major reasons for the out-of-control cost of health care spending in this country is because of all of these obese people. In fact, obese people are extremely more likely to suffer from chronic disease than heavy drinkers and smokers. Check out this chart:

While smokers have essentially become second class citizens in this country (especially here in California, where smokers <>

Then the other day I saw this article discussing a "fat tax" in Alabama, home to the fattest people in the land: http://www.theroot.com/id/48533?GT1=38002. This makes perfect sense. Obviously you fat people are too stupid to realize you are literally killing yourselves by eating garbage and refusing to work out, so now we're just going to take the decision away from you. And now that I know that your stupid ass is hurting reasonable people like me, I'm declaring war on you. What we need to do is tax the hell out of fast food and desserts, and use that money to subsidize healthier items.

That "Dollar Menu" you love so much at McDonalds? Guess what, it's now the $5 menu. You want the large ice cream bowl at Cold Stone? No problem, that'll be $8. That Chipotle burrito? HA, that will be...um, same price. Actually less if you get the tortilla-free bol (if you thought there was any way I'd ever support a plan that increases the cost of Chipotle, you are out of your damn mind).

Meanwhile, my $5 chicken breast footlong at Subway? It's now $2.50. A grilled chicken sandwich (no mayo)? Half price.

Drinkers are already paying outrageous taxes on alcohol. Smokers are paying outrageous taxes on cigarettes. And heavy drinkers and smokers aren't even the real problem - it's the fat people. And it's time for them to pay up, and hopefully save a few lives in the process.

I'm off to ponder this plan some more over a turkey sub with extra veggies and two bottles of scotch.

The Joys of Working in L.A.

A few months ago I experienced my first major earthquake - a 5.8 on the Richter Scale, for you geologists out there - while at work. I work on the 30th floor of this building:

Needless to say, it scared the hell out of me. The building is on rollers to prevent it from crumbling in an earthquake, which, admittedly, would be a terrible thing, particularly while I'm inside. However, what the rollers do is cause the entire building to sway, creating a sensation that you are about to fall towards the window and then presumably plummet 30 stories to your certain death. I don't recommend it.

So after I feel the ground start to shake and my office begin to slide closer to the street, I get the hell out of there, as if somehow standing closer to the center of the building will help. I immediately start to panic because I didn't grow up in California, and feel that I missed some essential training that they provide to 4th graders here about what to do in an earthquake. Do I stand in the doorframe, or is that just an urban legend? I see this guy across from me hiding under his desk and go, "Am I supposed to get under a desk? I thought that would crush you!" And he goes, "What? Really?" Dude, you're from California, you're supposed to know what to do here!! I still haven't forgiven him.

Then someone comes over the building intercom, and of course, the speaker on my side of the building doesn't work. So I start jogging out to find a working speaker somewhere and try not to miss this important news announcement. I don't know if it's "OH MY GOD EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!" or "Attention lowly associates, the partners have demanded that you get back to work immediately, the firm does not pay you to stand around idly". When I do get to a working speaker, I try to listen to this potentially life-saving announcement, and...a heavily-accented gentleman is mumbling incoherently. I think to myself, "Great, I'm going to die in here because I can't understand this guy's broken English". I hear something about "please don't use the elevators" and something that's either "this IS a major earthquake" or "this is NOT a major earthquake", which does not reassure me. I find myself hoping he'll have to repeat the message in Spanish, because I think I'll have a better chance at understanding that message than the one in quasi-English, even though my Spanish is not the best ("It's OK everyone, I think he said something like we're all going to the library for hammers").

Luckily, I survived and everything was fine. Flash forward to this Monday. I'm in my office, slaving away in front of my computer, when I hear a loud explosion. My first thought is, "Oh crap, it's another earthquake!" and prepare to run out of my office again for no real reason. Then I think, "No, we're not shaking - it must be a terrorist attack!!" So I whirl and look out the window, and see an explosion coming from here:

Perhaps you've seen this building in commercials or"Mission Impossible II," or more likely in Ben Affleck's masterful epic "Bounce". It's Los Angeles Center Studios, one of the only movie studios in downtown. So with all of the natural disasters and potential violent attacks that could happen in L.A., there is also the threat that some stupid movie or TV show will be blowing shit up during the workday. Don't worry, nothing to see here, we'll just be setting off huge explosions at random intervals all day, but please, make sure to get your work done in a timely fashion.

Oh, and when the earth isn't trying to swallow me up and Michael Bay isn't blowing shit up across the street, there's probably a rally like this one that took place yesterday that prevents me from getting anywhere:

Look, I don't like police brutality any more than you do, but can you go protest about it in the Valley or some other place that sucks? I hear they LOVE police brutality in Long Beach, maybe you guys should go there to convince people how bad it really is.

I need to find a way to work from home full-time. I can't take much more of this.

You Want Spam?? I Gotcha Spam Right Here

First off, sorry about the delay in posts. I realize that of late this has been the second worst blog on the Internet, right behind October Gonzo's:

Hey, Dane Cook screaming about how there's only ONE October wasn't annoying enough, what if we make up a fake MLB blogger??

But Google decided that I was spam for some reason and kind of crushed my spirit. Luckily, I fought the man and prevailed, and am back with 150% more offensive content.

The whole spam thing really pissed me off because I actually do receive a fair amount of spam every day that the spam filters aren't smart enough to keep out, and I can't imagine what they saw on my blog that was in any way spam-like. Here are some of my favorite spam emails I've received of late:

SUBJECT: SECRET

Secret [ r0hcpn4iz@email.com ] has sent you an ecard from 123Greetings.com.Your ecard will be available with us for the next 30 days. If you wish to keep the ecard longer, you may save it on your computer or take a print.To view your ecard, choose from any of the following options:

Hmm, Secret eh? Well it's a greeting card site, so I decided to check it out. When you click the attached link, here's what you find (my comments added in italics):

Secret wrote..
Ok listen.. I have had a crush on you but I haven't been able to tell you because of... reasons you would quickly recognize as obvious if you knew who this was. I think you like me too and I want you to approach me because I am too shy. So listen. [Normally I'd have already stopped reading, but as crazy as this sounds, I actually DID get a handwritten love letter earlier this year. A story for another time.] I wrote your name on my body in marker and I want you to see if you can guess who I am by looking at the picture. I posted it on my My Webcam Network account. My username on that site is ''TheAdmirer69'' and you can search for it and look at the picture after you make an account there. [Secret, if you and I had ever actually met, you'd probably realize that I would have zero respect for someone who picks a screen name of TheAdmirer69. Now, if you'd gone with a respectable name like JediNITE or something, I'd probably be enticed.] To make an account go to [presumably, a porn site] This took a lot of courage for me to write so please look and try to guess who I am.. I also recorded a "cam show" of my body for you. [Hold up, Secret...you're too shy to tell me about your crush on me, but you drew my name on your body in marker? And then you recorded a cam show?? These are the kinds of stone-cold crazy chicks I attract.]

And then, of course, there is the ass who's trying to steal all of my money by promising me a "I know, this sounds too good to be true, but it IS true" offer.

SUBJECT: Hello Dear,

FROM: Capt.Daniel Jones D [I don't think any dude has ever called me "Dear" before, much less a Captain]; capt.danieljones@usa.army.us [A 5 second search for US Army reveals that this is not the domain of the US Army, which of course ends in .gov]

My name is Capt.Daniel Jones D. [so you cooked up this scam to steal my money, but couldn't be bothered to think up a last name? That's just lazy, son], I am a captain with the United Nations troop in Iraq,on war against terrorism. [So Captain, what do you do? Oh, well you know, I'm on war against terrorism.]

Based on the United States legislative and executive decision for withdrawing troops from Iraq come this year,and I have been deployed to come and work in your country's military base soonest. [Sir, when am I to be deployed? Soonest, Captain. Soonest.] Our mission is to help beef up terrorist targeted states,mostly the United states and the European Union on the war against terrorism. [Politics and common sense aside, I think this is trying to insinuate that once the US withdraws from Iraq, the terrorists are going to come here and attack us? And the UN somehow is sending Capt. D here to help?? I'm just confused.]

On the other hand I want to inform you that I have in my possession the sum of 16.2 million USD. which was recovered from one of our raids on terrorists here in Iraq because they keep most of their money at home for evil activities which they normally get through illegal deals on crude oil. [Mohammad, what is it you have there in those 500 very heavy sacks in the corner of your mud hut? -Oh, it is sixteen million dollars that I've acquired through illegal deals on crude oil. --Ah, what are you going to do with that money, relocate your family to a neighborhood where bombs are not being dropped on us all day? - No, my friend. I have some totally awesome evil activities planned. MUHAHAHAHA]

Based on the suffering we undergo here some of us do meet such luck. [Oh, DO you?] It happened that I went for this raid with the men in my unit and I decided to take it as my share for my stress here in this evil land filled with suicide bombers. [Um, look man I know it's hard over there, but I'm pretty sure it's illegal to just take money that isn't yours b/c you feel entitled. I can't just submit fake reimbursement requests at work because I'm unhappy and feel entitled! I'm pretty sure your employer, the US military, would totally destroy your life if they found out] I deposited this money with a red cross agent informing him that we are making contact for the real owner of the money. [Brilliant!! And of course the red cross agent didn't find anything suspicious about holding onto your $16 million that you didn't report to anyone! WHAT A SUCKER!!] It is under my power to approve whoever comes forth for this money. I wish to use this money for investment purposes. [Come on Captain, in THIS global economy?? What are you going to invest in - real estate??]

I cannot move this money to the United states by my self because I will be in here for about 3years,so I need someone I could trust [And of course, you did this by randomly picking someone online that you've never met and know nothing about. BALLSY. I like your style, Captain D.]

If you accept,I will transfer the money to europe where you will be the beneficiary because I am a uniformed person and I cannot be parading such an amount [Oh, don't worry, nobody will suspect a THING when *I* go to cash in $16 million of stolen money] so I need to present someone as the beneficiary. I am an American and an intelligence officer [Really?? Did you like have to teach yourself how to write? For an intelligence officer you sure aren't very, um, how you say...smart] ...

I decided to find someone that is real and not imaginary [probably a wise move, because Snuffalupagus would have NOTHING to do with a scam like this...although I'm not sure if we ever determined if he's Big Bird's imaginary friend or if he's real but nobody else ever sees him...either way, no WAY Snuffy touches this scam] and that is why I went to a secured site where I can be sure that the person is real [Ah, of course, Yahoo Mail. Where any good American intelligence officer goes to find someone he KNOWS he can trust].

I will give to you 30% of the sum and 70% is for me.I hope I am been fair on this deal. [No WAY, you are NOT been fair on this deal!! It sounds like YOU need ME more than I need you. I'm not going in for less than 70-30 in favor of me.] Get back to me with your full information: YOUR FULL NAME......... YOUR FULL ADDRESS.................... A SCAN COPY OF YOUR DRIVERS LICENCE/ INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER.........Waiting to receive information from you soon. Regards, Capt.Daniel Jones D.

I'm just blown away that even one person in the United States who is smart enough to read, use a computer, and check e-mail could ever fall for this. A) The money is stolen so you're committing a crime. B) This guy can't explain how he found you, but he's willing to trust you with his life and millions of dollars. C) He's using a totally fake email. D) He can barely read and write and most of his request makes no sense. Why is there not like a whole reality show where people follow up on these and try to bait these jokers into revealing themselves, the way they do to people who try to meet up with 16 year olds via MySpace. I'd pay some serious cash to see an interview with the people behind this scam, just to hear their answer to, "So, what, you can't find any better way to make money besides trying to con complete morons into giving you all of their info?" and "Even if you WERE going to steal someone's identity, isn't there like an easier and smarter way to do it? So clearly you're a crook, but are you also a complete f-ing idiot?"

And one more...

FROM: Xmas Loan [Oh, you know I have been thinking about getting a loan, and what with this credit crunch I've had a hard time finding anyone to lend. Good thing this reputable souce, Xmas Loan, is here to save the day]; peter00126@comcast.net

Subject: LOAN OFFER ----- APPLY NOW $$$

LOAN OFFER ====== APPLY NOW $$$ [Right, I get it]

I am a private loan lender,I can help you with the loan you need,Contact me for more information.Contact me at: harryjames1easyloanfirm@hotmail.comMr Harry James

[So, even though the email is from someone named Peter, who's using the very reputable and professional sounding name 'Xmas Loan', YOUR name is Harry James. Okayyyyyyyyyyyy...]

Again, if you're stupid enough to fall for something like this, I don't really have any sympathy for you. There's no way you can be adding anything of value to our society, and your parents should probably never have borne you.

Anyway, I am back online, for better or worse, and will not be selling you anything or asking you to provide me any personal information. Thanks to all of you for your continued support, and thanks for nothing to those who tried to shut me down (I'm looking at you, Google!!!)

Blocked?!

Wow that was fast. On the blogosphere for what - 5 days, and already blocked and unpublished? Impressive. I had no idea I was so awesomely subversive. You want to read my blog? Blogger here says "YOU CAN'T HANDLE MY BLOG!!"

If I'm ever unlocked, I promise to be even more offensive and subversive. That should quadruple my followers, possibly to as many as 12.

Debt Relief

Like most Americans, I am severely in debt. In my case, it’s crushing student loan debt from grad school (but hey, it’s not like my minimum monthly loan payment is 40% higher than the rent I used to pay on my old apartment...oh…wow…never mind.). Every day we read about banks failing and people defaulting on their mortgages and how the credit crunch is probably going to make it impossible to borrow money in the near future. Bad times. Then I see this on CNN.com today:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/10/03/eviction.suicide.attempt/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

So let me get this straight – all I have to do to get out from under my loans is to shoot myself? I know this sounds kind of cold, but come on, this lady didn't even die! And for all I know she shot herself in the foot or something! The sad truth is that if you told me I could have all of my debt forgiven if I’d just shoot myself somewhere other than the heart or face, I’d actually have to seriously consider it.

My other favorite part of the story (in case you missed it) is this quote from the neighbor who found her:

"Then she kind of moved toward me a little and I saw that blood, and I said, 'Oh, no. Miss Polk musta done shot herself,' " Dillon said.

If I’m ever laying on the floor bleeding and my potential rescuer says (out loud) that I “musta done shot” myself, I’m going to officially abandon all hope.

Blogging

What’s up blogosphere? I don’t really know what you’re doing here. I’ve never really understood the whole idea of blogging, as I can’t imagine that I have anything to say that you’d find all that interesting. But you’re here, and after that enticing intro, I’m sure you’ll never leave.

The thing that’s always kept me from starting a blog is that I feel like the Internet is giving us way too MUCH information about what people are up to. See, e.g., Facebook. I like Facebook because it’s an easy way to keep in touch with people I otherwise wouldn’t. And I’d never start dating someone without checking out her Facebook page – not only for the pictures (did she used to be fat? did she ever have really short hair?) but also for the info section (I’m out if I see any Bible quotes that aren’t used ironically). But people feel the need to post these updates about what they’re doing every second of every day, and it is killing me.

Here are some actual samples of “updates” I’ve received from friends in the recent past, with names hidden to protect the innocent:

“X is working” – You, sir, should have a blog to tell us more!!

“X is waiting for pizza to show up” – Don’t worry, you’ll be relieved to know there was a follow-up post informing us that the pizza did, in fact, show up. The worst part is that it was from Domino’s, which I would think twice about ordering from if I were literally starving to death.

“X is homework” – First of all, that isn’t a verb, so I hope it’s grammar homework that you’re working on. Second, this post is from a relative of mine who is in high school. I do not typically hang out with people who are “homework”.

I do enjoy reading these updates for the most part. I just don’t need to know about every facet of your daily life. So I get that you’re enjoying a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but could you just consider whether this information is really worth sharing before you post it? I only want to see updates like “Eric is regretting hooking up with that 40 year old cougar this weekend; tequila = muy bad!” THAT would totally make my day.

So you should know up front what this blog will NOT be. This isn’t going to be some awesome travel blog that gives you insight into new and interesting places (although I do travel a lot and I’ll post cool pics sometimes). I’m not going to cover your favorite sports team in an obsessive level of detail (although I will ramble about sports-related issues at times). And I’m not going to provide any “inside” insight from famous people about current events or politics.

But some people have encouraged me to start a blog (apparently enough time has elapsed that they’ve forgotten just how bad the column I used to write for my high school paper was), and I’d forgotten how much I like writing (even if I’m the only one reading this). And I promise to only write things that I think are interesting and worth reading. So thanks for checking out my blog and I hope that we both continue to enjoy it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m homework.