The Joys of Working in L.A.

A few months ago I experienced my first major earthquake - a 5.8 on the Richter Scale, for you geologists out there - while at work. I work on the 30th floor of this building:

Needless to say, it scared the hell out of me. The building is on rollers to prevent it from crumbling in an earthquake, which, admittedly, would be a terrible thing, particularly while I'm inside. However, what the rollers do is cause the entire building to sway, creating a sensation that you are about to fall towards the window and then presumably plummet 30 stories to your certain death. I don't recommend it.

So after I feel the ground start to shake and my office begin to slide closer to the street, I get the hell out of there, as if somehow standing closer to the center of the building will help. I immediately start to panic because I didn't grow up in California, and feel that I missed some essential training that they provide to 4th graders here about what to do in an earthquake. Do I stand in the doorframe, or is that just an urban legend? I see this guy across from me hiding under his desk and go, "Am I supposed to get under a desk? I thought that would crush you!" And he goes, "What? Really?" Dude, you're from California, you're supposed to know what to do here!! I still haven't forgiven him.

Then someone comes over the building intercom, and of course, the speaker on my side of the building doesn't work. So I start jogging out to find a working speaker somewhere and try not to miss this important news announcement. I don't know if it's "OH MY GOD EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!" or "Attention lowly associates, the partners have demanded that you get back to work immediately, the firm does not pay you to stand around idly". When I do get to a working speaker, I try to listen to this potentially life-saving announcement, and...a heavily-accented gentleman is mumbling incoherently. I think to myself, "Great, I'm going to die in here because I can't understand this guy's broken English". I hear something about "please don't use the elevators" and something that's either "this IS a major earthquake" or "this is NOT a major earthquake", which does not reassure me. I find myself hoping he'll have to repeat the message in Spanish, because I think I'll have a better chance at understanding that message than the one in quasi-English, even though my Spanish is not the best ("It's OK everyone, I think he said something like we're all going to the library for hammers").

Luckily, I survived and everything was fine. Flash forward to this Monday. I'm in my office, slaving away in front of my computer, when I hear a loud explosion. My first thought is, "Oh crap, it's another earthquake!" and prepare to run out of my office again for no real reason. Then I think, "No, we're not shaking - it must be a terrorist attack!!" So I whirl and look out the window, and see an explosion coming from here:

Perhaps you've seen this building in commercials or"Mission Impossible II," or more likely in Ben Affleck's masterful epic "Bounce". It's Los Angeles Center Studios, one of the only movie studios in downtown. So with all of the natural disasters and potential violent attacks that could happen in L.A., there is also the threat that some stupid movie or TV show will be blowing shit up during the workday. Don't worry, nothing to see here, we'll just be setting off huge explosions at random intervals all day, but please, make sure to get your work done in a timely fashion.

Oh, and when the earth isn't trying to swallow me up and Michael Bay isn't blowing shit up across the street, there's probably a rally like this one that took place yesterday that prevents me from getting anywhere:

Look, I don't like police brutality any more than you do, but can you go protest about it in the Valley or some other place that sucks? I hear they LOVE police brutality in Long Beach, maybe you guys should go there to convince people how bad it really is.

I need to find a way to work from home full-time. I can't take much more of this.