Inappropriate Texting

"INAPPROPRIATE!!!!!"

Last week I went to happy hour with a friend from work, and we were talking about the awfulness that is dating in the 21st century. She'd been out with a guy several times, but things hadn't really progressed beyond the PG-13 stage because she really wasn't that into him. As we were talking, she got the following text message from him:

"Do you want to spend the night tonight?"

Which, if I may translate, was his was of asking "Look, either you start hooking up with me or I'm going to dump you." And somehow this guy thought this was an appropriate conversation to conduct via text messaging. For the record, and I don't know how relevant this is, the guy has a pet bunny that he puts a leash on and takes for walks in the park. It's like every time I start to think, "Hmmm, maybe it's me, maybe *I'm* the weird one and that's why I can't make a relationship work for more than a month", a guy like this comes along and re-affirms my belief that 90% of people totally suck. Thanks, Bunny Boy.

Now, I understand that I'm not much of a text-er, but seriously, how can you ever expect to have a serious conversation via text message?! Have we become that lazy? 100 years ago, if you wanted to take your relationship with a woman to a more serious level you probably had to attend a formal dinner with her parents, follow some stodgy courtship procedures, maybe write a few love letters, round up a few goats for a decent dowrey, etc. But in 2009 a guy can't even be bothered to make a telephone call to her dedicated cell phone? Can we get any less personal? Maybe he can just update his Twitter page: "This girl had better put out or she's done-zo".

These days we have a million ways to contact people, from email to texting to cell phones to online websites we set up as shrines to ourselves. My grandfather invited me to be his Twitter friend the other day (no joke). Even I have a seldomly updated blog of random musings. And I feel like we've completely lost the ability to actually communicate with each other. It's so easy to write someone a text or a Facebook wall post that says "Hey, haven't heard from you in forever, where's the love? LOL!!", but are you really going to get anything substantive out of that? It's more like something for you to point to like "See!! I reach out to you all the time and you're such a bad friend!" Yes, technically that is reaching out to me, but if you cared enough to know what was really going on in my life you'd have invested the 15 minutes to call me.

I'm sure I'm missing something, but here is my list of the only times when it's OK to text (I don't have time to list every one, so I'll list a few key ones and you can feel free to add any others in the comments section):

1. "Where are you / are you almost here?" I use this all the time, particularly when meeting friends at loud restaurants/clubs/bars/concerts. How the hell did we ever find each other before we all had cell phones? Did we have to all carpool? Or did we just pick out very identifiable landmarks, like meet me in front of the bear statue at 8 pm? I feel like we were just more prompt, because if you were 15 minutes late your friends might just abandon you. Now it's almost like you have a free pass to be late to everything, because all you have to do is send the "Be there in 5" text (even though you're at least 20 minutes away) and people are obligated to wait around for you.

2. "I'm busy right now, can I call you later?" It would be rude for me to pick up my phone because I'm with other people or working right now, but I want you to know that I really want to talk to you. In all honesty, I usually don't bother with this. It's why I have voice mail. You leave a message, and I'll get back to you when I can.

3. "I really have to tell you this, but it's too insignificant to merit a whole phone call". Examples include, "We won the big game!!!", "I can't get that terrible song we heard in your car out of my head!" "(random quote from The Simpsons)", or "There is a fat woman here in an orange mumu, I think she may be the Great Pumpkin".

4. Flirting. Again, I don't know understand how relationships worked before cell phones. I guess you had to send a card through the U.S. mail? Maybe you just had to make a point to meet up in person more often?

5. Being sneaky. You are stuck talking to the ugly friend while your friend is going after the #1 target, so you text him "I hate you so much right now." Or you're at dinner with a group and one person decides to break the silence by beginning a story with, "So dolphins are rapists," (true story) and you have to text someone "OMG get me out of here". This is much better than trying to whisper something without being overheard, which I happen to be terrible at.

Again, I'm sure there are a few others, but the key to these is that NONE of them involve particularly serious conversations such as "Where do you see this relationship going?" or "Why have you seemed so down lately?" Texting is pretty invaluable in many situations, but I think we need to draw a line in the sand and declare certain things off-limits for text conversations.

And finally, don't write "LOL" unless you're really laughing out loud, like it's maybe the funniest thing you've heard in days. If I see one more person write "LOL" while maintaining a completely stoic facial expression I'm going to throw your cell phone against the wall.

My Favorite Movies of 2008

As a movie lover, I’ve always wanted to have a format in which to publish my “Best Movies of the Year”. Especially after reading some of the ridiculous lists that come out these days. Seriously, Stephen King included “Death Race”, “The Ruins” and “Funny Games” on his list. Another “Best Of 2008” list had “Speed Racer”, a terrible-looking movie based on a terrible cartoon that people only liked because it was the 1970s.

Note that I’m going to try not to use the term “best”. I’m instantly offended the second you presume to tell me that you know what the “best” films were. I still believe that film is an art form (despite the efforts of Dane Cook, Jerry Bruckheimer, and Jar Jar Binks) and that we can’t talk about the “best” movies, but only a particular person’s “favorite” ones. Of course, I still reserve the right to categorize some movies as the “worst” movies ever, and will steadfastly refuse to listen to any arguments to the contrary. Because I know better than you. Stupid.

That being said, here are some of my favorite movies that I saw in 2008. Note that unlike most “real” film critics, I didn’t get the chance to see some of the movies that will almost surely be up for Oscars and may otherwise have made my list, including the following: Doubt, Gran Torino, The Wrestler, or Kitt Kittredge: An American Girl (too soon!! sorry, Jenny).

The “I’m Pre-Ordering this on Blu-Ray When I Get Home” Award for Favorite Movie of the Year: (TIE) The Dark Knight and Wall-E.

Batman Begins was pretty great, but the Dark Knight was incredible. It’s actually hard to believe now, but before Nolan resurrected the Batman franchise, Joel Schumacher had turned Batman into a cheesy gay comedic romp, where bad guys skated around on ice skates and exchanged one liners like “Chill Out!!!!” Nolan somehow took the same source material and made a beautiful, challenging, complex movie that is probably the coolest crime drama since “Heat”. Ledger’s Joker is one of the greatest screen villains of all time. I loved the idea that if you’re really trying to do something heroic and make the world a better place, you’re going to have to make impossible choices, and everyone is probably going to hate you for it. It’s been amazing to see how Nolan took these comic book characters and created such a believable world.

Pixar seems to get better every year, and Wall-E is probably my favorite Pixar flick to date. Somehow this family-friendly animated movie contains a great science fiction story, a cute love story, an environmental warning about our future and a blistering satire of our consumerist culture. And for over 30 minutes, it does so with virtually no dialogue, letting the beautifully rendered images tell the story without clobbering you with inane banter (George Lucas, you should be taking notes). Wall-E is an amazing piece of art, and a movie I could watch 100 times.

The Yes, I Admit it’s Cheesy and Proposterous, but Dammit, I Don’t Care Award: Slumdog Millionaire.

I don’t really believe that anything in this movie could ever have happened. The chance encounters, people being brought together by fate (over and over), the main character being selected for the game show even though he expresses zero excitement and is completely uneducated, the climactic live dialing of the “Phone a Friend”, etc. Completely unbelievable. And yet I thoroughly enjoyed it. A sweet, nice, highly entertaining fairy tale of a movie that made me happy.

The Best “Stuff Blowed Up Real Good” Summer Blockbuster: Iron Man.

I had basically no expectations for this movie. I don’t know anything about Iron Man, other than that he has a cool-looking suit that he flies around in. By all rights, this should have been another lame Marvel superhero movie like Hulk or Oops, Never Mind that Artsy Hulk Movie from 6 Years Ago, This is the INCREDIBLE Hulk. And yet it was smart, funny, and had a great story (up until the fairly boring/anticlimactic final showdown). And stuff blowed up real good. A fun summer movie that really delivered.

This was quite a year from Robert Downey Jr., single-handedly elevating Iron Man and Tropic Thunder above their source material. And I loved that Iron Man was kicking the crap out of the terrorists. That’s what people want to see!! Not like that movie where the most powerful American superhero of all time, was fighting against…a bald dude…who had a nasty real estate scheme. Oh, and Kumar, I forgot, he was fighting Kumar too. Cool.

The “Schindler’s List” Award for Favorite Serious Drama That I Can’t Sit Through Again for a While: Milk

Sean Penn was incredible in this movie. I’d never heard of Harvey Milk before this movie, but 5 minutes into this you forget that you’re watching Sean Penn and can only see Harvey Milk on the screen. Inspiring, emotional, and guaranteed to bring a few tears to your eyes by the end. I’m pretty sure Penn wins the Oscar for this one, and I’m rooting for him.

The “Requiem For a Dream” Feel Bad Movie of the Year: Revolutionary Road

Wow, was this movie depressing. When I saw Requiem for a Dream, it was a 10:30 pm show and I went alone. To this day, that’s still the most depressing ending of any movie I’ve seen. I felt so devastated, I stopped at a Krispy Kreme drive through and ordered one chocolate donut. At 12:30 am. The lady on the other side of the speaker was like “That’s it? One donut?? …. That’ll be 86 cents.”

Revolutionary Road answers the question, “Hey, what would have happened if Kate and Leo had survived the Titanic, and then gotten married and moved to the suburbs?” Except instead of “Oh, they lived happily ever after!” the answer is “They grew to hate one another and lived miserable lives”. Leo, you should have just frozen to death in the Atlantic.

The movie is saying that nobody in a relationship can ever really be happy – you just have to learn to tolerate and tune out the other person after a while. I’m terrified that that’s true. But I don’t know that I want to see that in a movie.

Very well done movie, great performances, interesting story…but you’ll need a donut afterwards. Maybe a dozen. And if you see this with your significant other, you might want to break up afterwards.

The “Superman Returns” Award for the Movie I’m OUTRAGED Anyone Has Anything Nice to Say About: Quantum of Solace.

UGH!! I get how you can take Bond and make it stupid, say, by hiring Denise Richards to play Dr. Christmas Love, a nuclear physicist. I get how you can make it super cheesy, with groan-worthy one-liners, over-the-top supervillians, and terrible performances (see, e.g., Berry, Halle). But how can you make Bond SO BORING? I loved Casino Royale and was really excited to see this. And…I have no idea what happened. Bleh. Completely unmemorable. I was angry that I spent my time and money on this.

The Let’s Drink Some Beers and Go See Hellboy 2 Award: Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

This inaugural award is named after my buddy Matt, and it goes to the movie where you think, “Ehh, I’ll have a few drinks and then it’ll probably be a halfway decent movie,” but then it surprises you by actually being pretty good. I rented the first Hellboy once, and it was OK. Nothing special. But Hellboy 2 was actually…really good. Visually impressive, good characters, and a cool dark fairy tale story. Guillermo del Toro is really on a roll, with this following up the fantastic/terrifying Pan’s Labyrinth, and I can’t wait to see what he does with the Hobbit movies in a few years.

Incidentally, you’re going to need at least 2 dudes with cargo shorts and one woman with a purse to effectively carry out the “let’s have a few beers while watching this” strat.

The “40 Year Old Virgin Award” for Best Comedy of the Year: Tropic Thunder

I guess. I’m probably the toughest critic on movie comedies, and I never really like anything. Pineapple Express was pretty good, but I thought the last 30 minutes were just…out of left field. And it didn’t work for me. Tropic Thunder actually made me laugh throughout, and the fake previews at the beginning were one of my favorite things I saw all year. Downey Jr. was amazing, and I can’t believe he’s up for an Oscar for this. He HAS to come to the Oscars and give interviews as this character, that would be the coolest thing ever. And Tom Cruise…I still hate you, but you were pretty great in this.

The “I’m Glad I Have Netflix to Find Movies Like This” Award: The Visitor

Just trust me on this. I’d never heard of this either, until I saw it on some “Best of 2008” lists. If you have Netflix, please check this movie out. Some people might find it kind of preachy about the restrictions on immigration put in place post September 11th, so if you listen to conservative talk radio all day long like my brother, it’s probably not for you. But I didn’t feel this was trying to preach, it was just showing that most immigrants are actually real people who are trying to live the American dream just like anyone else. Richard Jenkins very subtle performance was note perfect, and I’d be rooting for him to win the Oscar if not for Sean Penn.

The “Donnie Darko” Award for the Movie I Really Enjoyed Even Though it Doesn’t Quite Work: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I enjoyed Button, but I really, really wanted to love it going in….and I just couldn’t. I love David Fincher’s work – Seven, Fight Club, The Game…amazing. And while Button was the best looking movie of the year (and should win every Oscar for cinematography and special effects), and was emotionally engaging…it never really came together for me. And in a movie about someone living life backwards, there was no reason for it, and no real knowledge gained from that. I just thought it didn’t really explore the idea of what it would be like to be 30 and have the knowledge of a 60 something year old. Good movie, but I’ll be annoyed if it wins “Best Picture”.

The Geek Movie that Even *I* Didn’t Like Award: Cloverfield

I know, I’m the target audience for crap like this, and I was pretty stoked going in. But the more you think about this movie, the less sense it makes. My favorite thing about it is this – supposedly the monster comes from Japan, like Godzilla. But he surfaces in New York City and goes on a rampage. Now, geography isn’t my strong suit, but how the hell did he get from Japan to NYC without being seen? And what, he was just growing to some monstrous size underwater for years, while secretly growing lungs with which to breathe oxygen? And he can survive getting nuked? Stupid. All I know if that if a monster does come to tear up LA, I’m not stopping to film him. I’m just getting the F out of here.

Movie I KNOW I’d Hate Based Solely on the Title and/or Poster: Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day

You couldn’t pay me to see this.

The “Godfather 3” Award for the Movie that NEVER HAPPENED: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

What? There was an Indiana Jones movie released last year? You mean 1989, right? Last Crusade. Because that was the end of the trilogy. They never made a sequel to that, you hear me? IT NEVER HAPPENED. The worst part is that when they release the Indy trilogy on Blu-Ray later this year, I’m going to have to pay more to buy a 4 pack of movies, that includes this one I never want to see. I guess then I will actually have to watch it one time, and then retire it.

Early Pick for the Worst Movie of 2009: Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

If you paid money to see this and you are over 16 years old and/or live outside of Arkansas, you should be ashamed of yourself. I guess you’re probably unemployed now, so I should cut you some slack. But seriously, Paul Blart: Mall Cop???? I am going to write a screenplay about a big fat goofy guy who farts and gets hit in the nuts a lot and call it Frank Henderson: School Janitor. And you idiots who made Mall Cop the #1 movie in America for 2 weeks had better freaking go see it.

Girl Porn

Really ladies? THIS is what you're all hot and bothered about?

I just got back from Barnes and Noble, and I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but there is apparently only one book series out right now – the Twilight books. These books were featured in multiple sections throughout the store, beginning with a huge display right at the entrance. Barnes and Noble, a store famous for selling BOOKS, was also selling all kinds of jewelry and accessories related to these books. Twilight books were also scattered strategically throughout the store under the following genre headings – Teen Fiction, Bestsellers, What’s Hot, and my personal favorite, Vampire Romance. Which do you think would have more books, Vampire Romance or Gay Cowboy Love Stories? Excuse me ma’am, can you please direct me to the section of Scientology Science Fiction?



Anytime a book gets listed as a Best Book of the Decade by Amazon, I’m intrigued. And when a book series becomes a phenomenon like this, I feel obligated to check it out. I was pretty skeptical, but I initially thought Harry Potter was just for 8-year-olds, and I came to love those books. So I thought, why not, and broke down and read Twilight. And I think I figured out the proper section to file these books under at your favorite bookstore.



Girl Porn.



Sometimes I think it can be interesting and insightful to read/watch things that are outrageously popular among women but have no real appeal for me. Sex and the City for example. You can really understand what women are thinking and looking for a little bit better after watching that show. But Twilight is just flat out ridiculous. I mean, if this is what women are fantasizing about, then consider me officially terrified.



A good friend of mine argues that these books aren’t written for adult women, but for teenage girls, so of course it’s going to seem like a ridiculous, childish fantasy. Fair point, but I know that these books are appealing to lots of adult women. A friend told me that her female co-worker (who’s in her late 40s) recently yelled at her husband in a fight, “What can’t you be more like Edward!? (the male lead from Twilight)”



Allow me to delve into the more ridiculous aspects of Twilight:

• 
  Everyone I’ve talked to agrees with me on this – you start rooting for the narrator to die after about 200 pages. Probably not what you should be aiming for as a novelist. She is completely clueless and a total bitch. Even though she keeps describing herself as completely physically average and unremarkable, every guy who meets her lusts after her madly within minutes of meeting her. She loathes and totally uses her “friends” to do things for her, and as soon as she starts “dating” the “vampire”, she wants nothing to do with them anymore.


• 
  The “vampires” in this book are not vampires. Yes, they’re immortal, and yes, they have a thirst for blood. But they can get by hunting animals rather than drinking human blood. They become incredibly beautiful upon their transformation for some reason. They develop superpowers, like mind-reading and the ability to see the future. They cast reflections, they aren’t bothered by crosses, or garlic, or anything really. And my favorite part – sunlight does not kill them, but instead makes them shiny and sparkly. The whole thing about being a vampire is that you pay a terrible price in exchange for the ability to live forever. But in these books, being a vampire sounds totally awesome. There’s no downside. Sign me up.


• 
  If I had to appear to be 17 forever, but was actually over 90 years old, do you know where the last place you’d find me is? HIGH SCHOOL. These vamps regularly attend classes at high school, and apparently still do all their homework! Actually, maybe this is the big downside of being a vampire – you have to be in high school and actually go to class for all eternity. In which case, I think I’ll stick with good ol’ mortality, thanks very much.


• 
  The romance – ridiculous. The vamp guy starts dating the girl, who apparently is so hot that every other guy in town is falling all over themselves for her. She’s pretty bitchy towards him and is always yelling and getting upset, but he finds that charming for some reason. And he never wants to sleep with her. In fact, he never even tries to get any further than a Luis Castillo (i.e., first base). He wants to hear the lengthy details about her day, and talk about what kinds of music she likes to listen to and how she gets along with her parents. And since he doesn’t sleep, he breaks into her room and watches her sleep at night. Two words: restraining order.

Look, I totally understand and appreciate guy porn. Like James Bond. He’s driving awesome sports cars, he’s kicking the crap out of bad guys, he’s hooking up with the hottest chicks in the world. Sounds great. But is this really what women fantasize about – some hot guy who never wants to sleep with you, enjoys staying up late talking about the mundane details of your day, and does nothing but think about YOU every second of the day? It’s not just that I think you’re never going to meet a guy like this; I think that if a woman WERE to actually find and date a guy like this, she’d tired of him after a few months, cheat on him and then dump him.

Thus, the truly bizarre thing about girl porn (and women in general). I think that if the romance fantasy of Twilight were to come true for a woman, it wouldn’t actually make her happy. Whereas if someone wants to give me an Aston Martin, an unlimited supply of weapons, make me bulletproof, make me look like Daniel Craig, and hire me as a secret agent to defend the world, I am pretty sure I would never, ever get tired of that gig.

The next time I'm looking for some Vampire Romance, I'm sticking with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, thank you very much. You Twilight fans can have it.