I just got back from Barnes and Noble, and I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but there is apparently only one book series out right now – the Twilight books. These books were featured in multiple sections throughout the store, beginning with a huge display right at the entrance. Barnes and Noble, a store famous for selling BOOKS, was also selling all kinds of jewelry and accessories related to these books. Twilight books were also scattered strategically throughout the store under the following genre headings – Teen Fiction, Bestsellers, What’s Hot, and my personal favorite, Vampire Romance. Which do you think would have more books, Vampire Romance or Gay Cowboy Love Stories? Excuse me ma’am, can you please direct me to the section of Scientology Science Fiction?
Anytime a book gets listed as a Best Book of the Decade by Amazon, I’m intrigued. And when a book series becomes a phenomenon like this, I feel obligated to check it out. I was pretty skeptical, but I initially thought Harry Potter was just for 8-year-olds, and I came to love those books. So I thought, why not, and broke down and read Twilight. And I think I figured out the proper section to file these books under at your favorite bookstore.
Girl Porn.
Sometimes I think it can be interesting and insightful to read/watch things that are outrageously popular among women but have no real appeal for me. Sex and the City for example. You can really understand what women are thinking and looking for a little bit better after watching that show. But Twilight is just flat out ridiculous. I mean, if this is what women are fantasizing about, then consider me officially terrified.
A good friend of mine argues that these books aren’t written for adult women, but for teenage girls, so of course it’s going to seem like a ridiculous, childish fantasy. Fair point, but I know that these books are appealing to lots of adult women. A friend told me that her female co-worker (who’s in her late 40s) recently yelled at her husband in a fight, “What can’t you be more like Edward!? (the male lead from Twilight)”
Allow me to delve into the more ridiculous aspects of Twilight:
Everyone I’ve talked to agrees with me on this – you start rooting for the narrator to die after about 200 pages. Probably not what you should be aiming for as a novelist. She is completely clueless and a total bitch. Even though she keeps describing herself as completely physically average and unremarkable, every guy who meets her lusts after her madly within minutes of meeting her. She loathes and totally uses her “friends” to do things for her, and as soon as she starts “dating” the “vampire”, she wants nothing to do with them anymore.
The “vampires” in this book are not vampires. Yes, they’re immortal, and yes, they have a thirst for blood. But they can get by hunting animals rather than drinking human blood. They become incredibly beautiful upon their transformation for some reason. They develop superpowers, like mind-reading and the ability to see the future. They cast reflections, they aren’t bothered by crosses, or garlic, or anything really. And my favorite part – sunlight does not kill them, but instead makes them shiny and sparkly. The whole thing about being a vampire is that you pay a terrible price in exchange for the ability to live forever. But in these books, being a vampire sounds totally awesome. There’s no downside. Sign me up.
If I had to appear to be 17 forever, but was actually over 90 years old, do you know where the last place you’d find me is? HIGH SCHOOL. These vamps regularly attend classes at high school, and apparently still do all their homework! Actually, maybe this is the big downside of being a vampire – you have to be in high school and actually go to class for all eternity. In which case, I think I’ll stick with good ol’ mortality, thanks very much.
The romance – ridiculous. The vamp guy starts dating the girl, who apparently is so hot that every other guy in town is falling all over themselves for her. She’s pretty bitchy towards him and is always yelling and getting upset, but he finds that charming for some reason. And he never wants to sleep with her. In fact, he never even tries to get any further than a Luis Castillo (i.e., first base). He wants to hear the lengthy details about her day, and talk about what kinds of music she likes to listen to and how she gets along with her parents. And since he doesn’t sleep, he breaks into her room and watches her sleep at night. Two words: restraining order.
Look, I totally understand and appreciate guy porn. Like James Bond. He’s driving awesome sports cars, he’s kicking the crap out of bad guys, he’s hooking up with the hottest chicks in the world. Sounds great. But is this really what women fantasize about – some hot guy who never wants to sleep with you, enjoys staying up late talking about the mundane details of your day, and does nothing but think about YOU every second of the day? It’s not just that I think you’re never going to meet a guy like this; I think that if a woman WERE to actually find and date a guy like this, she’d tired of him after a few months, cheat on him and then dump him.
Thus, the truly bizarre thing about girl porn (and women in general). I think that if the romance fantasy of Twilight were to come true for a woman, it wouldn’t actually make her happy. Whereas if someone wants to give me an Aston Martin, an unlimited supply of weapons, make me bulletproof, make me look like Daniel Craig, and hire me as a secret agent to defend the world, I am pretty sure I would never, ever get tired of that gig.
The next time I'm looking for some Vampire Romance, I'm sticking with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, thank you very much. You Twilight fans can have it.
1 comment:
Skanks...
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