Inappropriate Texting

"INAPPROPRIATE!!!!!"

Last week I went to happy hour with a friend from work, and we were talking about the awfulness that is dating in the 21st century. She'd been out with a guy several times, but things hadn't really progressed beyond the PG-13 stage because she really wasn't that into him. As we were talking, she got the following text message from him:

"Do you want to spend the night tonight?"

Which, if I may translate, was his was of asking "Look, either you start hooking up with me or I'm going to dump you." And somehow this guy thought this was an appropriate conversation to conduct via text messaging. For the record, and I don't know how relevant this is, the guy has a pet bunny that he puts a leash on and takes for walks in the park. It's like every time I start to think, "Hmmm, maybe it's me, maybe *I'm* the weird one and that's why I can't make a relationship work for more than a month", a guy like this comes along and re-affirms my belief that 90% of people totally suck. Thanks, Bunny Boy.

Now, I understand that I'm not much of a text-er, but seriously, how can you ever expect to have a serious conversation via text message?! Have we become that lazy? 100 years ago, if you wanted to take your relationship with a woman to a more serious level you probably had to attend a formal dinner with her parents, follow some stodgy courtship procedures, maybe write a few love letters, round up a few goats for a decent dowrey, etc. But in 2009 a guy can't even be bothered to make a telephone call to her dedicated cell phone? Can we get any less personal? Maybe he can just update his Twitter page: "This girl had better put out or she's done-zo".

These days we have a million ways to contact people, from email to texting to cell phones to online websites we set up as shrines to ourselves. My grandfather invited me to be his Twitter friend the other day (no joke). Even I have a seldomly updated blog of random musings. And I feel like we've completely lost the ability to actually communicate with each other. It's so easy to write someone a text or a Facebook wall post that says "Hey, haven't heard from you in forever, where's the love? LOL!!", but are you really going to get anything substantive out of that? It's more like something for you to point to like "See!! I reach out to you all the time and you're such a bad friend!" Yes, technically that is reaching out to me, but if you cared enough to know what was really going on in my life you'd have invested the 15 minutes to call me.

I'm sure I'm missing something, but here is my list of the only times when it's OK to text (I don't have time to list every one, so I'll list a few key ones and you can feel free to add any others in the comments section):

1. "Where are you / are you almost here?" I use this all the time, particularly when meeting friends at loud restaurants/clubs/bars/concerts. How the hell did we ever find each other before we all had cell phones? Did we have to all carpool? Or did we just pick out very identifiable landmarks, like meet me in front of the bear statue at 8 pm? I feel like we were just more prompt, because if you were 15 minutes late your friends might just abandon you. Now it's almost like you have a free pass to be late to everything, because all you have to do is send the "Be there in 5" text (even though you're at least 20 minutes away) and people are obligated to wait around for you.

2. "I'm busy right now, can I call you later?" It would be rude for me to pick up my phone because I'm with other people or working right now, but I want you to know that I really want to talk to you. In all honesty, I usually don't bother with this. It's why I have voice mail. You leave a message, and I'll get back to you when I can.

3. "I really have to tell you this, but it's too insignificant to merit a whole phone call". Examples include, "We won the big game!!!", "I can't get that terrible song we heard in your car out of my head!" "(random quote from The Simpsons)", or "There is a fat woman here in an orange mumu, I think she may be the Great Pumpkin".

4. Flirting. Again, I don't know understand how relationships worked before cell phones. I guess you had to send a card through the U.S. mail? Maybe you just had to make a point to meet up in person more often?

5. Being sneaky. You are stuck talking to the ugly friend while your friend is going after the #1 target, so you text him "I hate you so much right now." Or you're at dinner with a group and one person decides to break the silence by beginning a story with, "So dolphins are rapists," (true story) and you have to text someone "OMG get me out of here". This is much better than trying to whisper something without being overheard, which I happen to be terrible at.

Again, I'm sure there are a few others, but the key to these is that NONE of them involve particularly serious conversations such as "Where do you see this relationship going?" or "Why have you seemed so down lately?" Texting is pretty invaluable in many situations, but I think we need to draw a line in the sand and declare certain things off-limits for text conversations.

And finally, don't write "LOL" unless you're really laughing out loud, like it's maybe the funniest thing you've heard in days. If I see one more person write "LOL" while maintaining a completely stoic facial expression I'm going to throw your cell phone against the wall.

My Favorite Movies of 2008

As a movie lover, I’ve always wanted to have a format in which to publish my “Best Movies of the Year”. Especially after reading some of the ridiculous lists that come out these days. Seriously, Stephen King included “Death Race”, “The Ruins” and “Funny Games” on his list. Another “Best Of 2008” list had “Speed Racer”, a terrible-looking movie based on a terrible cartoon that people only liked because it was the 1970s.

Note that I’m going to try not to use the term “best”. I’m instantly offended the second you presume to tell me that you know what the “best” films were. I still believe that film is an art form (despite the efforts of Dane Cook, Jerry Bruckheimer, and Jar Jar Binks) and that we can’t talk about the “best” movies, but only a particular person’s “favorite” ones. Of course, I still reserve the right to categorize some movies as the “worst” movies ever, and will steadfastly refuse to listen to any arguments to the contrary. Because I know better than you. Stupid.

That being said, here are some of my favorite movies that I saw in 2008. Note that unlike most “real” film critics, I didn’t get the chance to see some of the movies that will almost surely be up for Oscars and may otherwise have made my list, including the following: Doubt, Gran Torino, The Wrestler, or Kitt Kittredge: An American Girl (too soon!! sorry, Jenny).

The “I’m Pre-Ordering this on Blu-Ray When I Get Home” Award for Favorite Movie of the Year: (TIE) The Dark Knight and Wall-E.

Batman Begins was pretty great, but the Dark Knight was incredible. It’s actually hard to believe now, but before Nolan resurrected the Batman franchise, Joel Schumacher had turned Batman into a cheesy gay comedic romp, where bad guys skated around on ice skates and exchanged one liners like “Chill Out!!!!” Nolan somehow took the same source material and made a beautiful, challenging, complex movie that is probably the coolest crime drama since “Heat”. Ledger’s Joker is one of the greatest screen villains of all time. I loved the idea that if you’re really trying to do something heroic and make the world a better place, you’re going to have to make impossible choices, and everyone is probably going to hate you for it. It’s been amazing to see how Nolan took these comic book characters and created such a believable world.

Pixar seems to get better every year, and Wall-E is probably my favorite Pixar flick to date. Somehow this family-friendly animated movie contains a great science fiction story, a cute love story, an environmental warning about our future and a blistering satire of our consumerist culture. And for over 30 minutes, it does so with virtually no dialogue, letting the beautifully rendered images tell the story without clobbering you with inane banter (George Lucas, you should be taking notes). Wall-E is an amazing piece of art, and a movie I could watch 100 times.

The Yes, I Admit it’s Cheesy and Proposterous, but Dammit, I Don’t Care Award: Slumdog Millionaire.

I don’t really believe that anything in this movie could ever have happened. The chance encounters, people being brought together by fate (over and over), the main character being selected for the game show even though he expresses zero excitement and is completely uneducated, the climactic live dialing of the “Phone a Friend”, etc. Completely unbelievable. And yet I thoroughly enjoyed it. A sweet, nice, highly entertaining fairy tale of a movie that made me happy.

The Best “Stuff Blowed Up Real Good” Summer Blockbuster: Iron Man.

I had basically no expectations for this movie. I don’t know anything about Iron Man, other than that he has a cool-looking suit that he flies around in. By all rights, this should have been another lame Marvel superhero movie like Hulk or Oops, Never Mind that Artsy Hulk Movie from 6 Years Ago, This is the INCREDIBLE Hulk. And yet it was smart, funny, and had a great story (up until the fairly boring/anticlimactic final showdown). And stuff blowed up real good. A fun summer movie that really delivered.

This was quite a year from Robert Downey Jr., single-handedly elevating Iron Man and Tropic Thunder above their source material. And I loved that Iron Man was kicking the crap out of the terrorists. That’s what people want to see!! Not like that movie where the most powerful American superhero of all time, was fighting against…a bald dude…who had a nasty real estate scheme. Oh, and Kumar, I forgot, he was fighting Kumar too. Cool.

The “Schindler’s List” Award for Favorite Serious Drama That I Can’t Sit Through Again for a While: Milk

Sean Penn was incredible in this movie. I’d never heard of Harvey Milk before this movie, but 5 minutes into this you forget that you’re watching Sean Penn and can only see Harvey Milk on the screen. Inspiring, emotional, and guaranteed to bring a few tears to your eyes by the end. I’m pretty sure Penn wins the Oscar for this one, and I’m rooting for him.

The “Requiem For a Dream” Feel Bad Movie of the Year: Revolutionary Road

Wow, was this movie depressing. When I saw Requiem for a Dream, it was a 10:30 pm show and I went alone. To this day, that’s still the most depressing ending of any movie I’ve seen. I felt so devastated, I stopped at a Krispy Kreme drive through and ordered one chocolate donut. At 12:30 am. The lady on the other side of the speaker was like “That’s it? One donut?? …. That’ll be 86 cents.”

Revolutionary Road answers the question, “Hey, what would have happened if Kate and Leo had survived the Titanic, and then gotten married and moved to the suburbs?” Except instead of “Oh, they lived happily ever after!” the answer is “They grew to hate one another and lived miserable lives”. Leo, you should have just frozen to death in the Atlantic.

The movie is saying that nobody in a relationship can ever really be happy – you just have to learn to tolerate and tune out the other person after a while. I’m terrified that that’s true. But I don’t know that I want to see that in a movie.

Very well done movie, great performances, interesting story…but you’ll need a donut afterwards. Maybe a dozen. And if you see this with your significant other, you might want to break up afterwards.

The “Superman Returns” Award for the Movie I’m OUTRAGED Anyone Has Anything Nice to Say About: Quantum of Solace.

UGH!! I get how you can take Bond and make it stupid, say, by hiring Denise Richards to play Dr. Christmas Love, a nuclear physicist. I get how you can make it super cheesy, with groan-worthy one-liners, over-the-top supervillians, and terrible performances (see, e.g., Berry, Halle). But how can you make Bond SO BORING? I loved Casino Royale and was really excited to see this. And…I have no idea what happened. Bleh. Completely unmemorable. I was angry that I spent my time and money on this.

The Let’s Drink Some Beers and Go See Hellboy 2 Award: Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

This inaugural award is named after my buddy Matt, and it goes to the movie where you think, “Ehh, I’ll have a few drinks and then it’ll probably be a halfway decent movie,” but then it surprises you by actually being pretty good. I rented the first Hellboy once, and it was OK. Nothing special. But Hellboy 2 was actually…really good. Visually impressive, good characters, and a cool dark fairy tale story. Guillermo del Toro is really on a roll, with this following up the fantastic/terrifying Pan’s Labyrinth, and I can’t wait to see what he does with the Hobbit movies in a few years.

Incidentally, you’re going to need at least 2 dudes with cargo shorts and one woman with a purse to effectively carry out the “let’s have a few beers while watching this” strat.

The “40 Year Old Virgin Award” for Best Comedy of the Year: Tropic Thunder

I guess. I’m probably the toughest critic on movie comedies, and I never really like anything. Pineapple Express was pretty good, but I thought the last 30 minutes were just…out of left field. And it didn’t work for me. Tropic Thunder actually made me laugh throughout, and the fake previews at the beginning were one of my favorite things I saw all year. Downey Jr. was amazing, and I can’t believe he’s up for an Oscar for this. He HAS to come to the Oscars and give interviews as this character, that would be the coolest thing ever. And Tom Cruise…I still hate you, but you were pretty great in this.

The “I’m Glad I Have Netflix to Find Movies Like This” Award: The Visitor

Just trust me on this. I’d never heard of this either, until I saw it on some “Best of 2008” lists. If you have Netflix, please check this movie out. Some people might find it kind of preachy about the restrictions on immigration put in place post September 11th, so if you listen to conservative talk radio all day long like my brother, it’s probably not for you. But I didn’t feel this was trying to preach, it was just showing that most immigrants are actually real people who are trying to live the American dream just like anyone else. Richard Jenkins very subtle performance was note perfect, and I’d be rooting for him to win the Oscar if not for Sean Penn.

The “Donnie Darko” Award for the Movie I Really Enjoyed Even Though it Doesn’t Quite Work: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I enjoyed Button, but I really, really wanted to love it going in….and I just couldn’t. I love David Fincher’s work – Seven, Fight Club, The Game…amazing. And while Button was the best looking movie of the year (and should win every Oscar for cinematography and special effects), and was emotionally engaging…it never really came together for me. And in a movie about someone living life backwards, there was no reason for it, and no real knowledge gained from that. I just thought it didn’t really explore the idea of what it would be like to be 30 and have the knowledge of a 60 something year old. Good movie, but I’ll be annoyed if it wins “Best Picture”.

The Geek Movie that Even *I* Didn’t Like Award: Cloverfield

I know, I’m the target audience for crap like this, and I was pretty stoked going in. But the more you think about this movie, the less sense it makes. My favorite thing about it is this – supposedly the monster comes from Japan, like Godzilla. But he surfaces in New York City and goes on a rampage. Now, geography isn’t my strong suit, but how the hell did he get from Japan to NYC without being seen? And what, he was just growing to some monstrous size underwater for years, while secretly growing lungs with which to breathe oxygen? And he can survive getting nuked? Stupid. All I know if that if a monster does come to tear up LA, I’m not stopping to film him. I’m just getting the F out of here.

Movie I KNOW I’d Hate Based Solely on the Title and/or Poster: Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day

You couldn’t pay me to see this.

The “Godfather 3” Award for the Movie that NEVER HAPPENED: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

What? There was an Indiana Jones movie released last year? You mean 1989, right? Last Crusade. Because that was the end of the trilogy. They never made a sequel to that, you hear me? IT NEVER HAPPENED. The worst part is that when they release the Indy trilogy on Blu-Ray later this year, I’m going to have to pay more to buy a 4 pack of movies, that includes this one I never want to see. I guess then I will actually have to watch it one time, and then retire it.

Early Pick for the Worst Movie of 2009: Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

If you paid money to see this and you are over 16 years old and/or live outside of Arkansas, you should be ashamed of yourself. I guess you’re probably unemployed now, so I should cut you some slack. But seriously, Paul Blart: Mall Cop???? I am going to write a screenplay about a big fat goofy guy who farts and gets hit in the nuts a lot and call it Frank Henderson: School Janitor. And you idiots who made Mall Cop the #1 movie in America for 2 weeks had better freaking go see it.

Girl Porn

Really ladies? THIS is what you're all hot and bothered about?

I just got back from Barnes and Noble, and I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but there is apparently only one book series out right now – the Twilight books. These books were featured in multiple sections throughout the store, beginning with a huge display right at the entrance. Barnes and Noble, a store famous for selling BOOKS, was also selling all kinds of jewelry and accessories related to these books. Twilight books were also scattered strategically throughout the store under the following genre headings – Teen Fiction, Bestsellers, What’s Hot, and my personal favorite, Vampire Romance. Which do you think would have more books, Vampire Romance or Gay Cowboy Love Stories? Excuse me ma’am, can you please direct me to the section of Scientology Science Fiction?



Anytime a book gets listed as a Best Book of the Decade by Amazon, I’m intrigued. And when a book series becomes a phenomenon like this, I feel obligated to check it out. I was pretty skeptical, but I initially thought Harry Potter was just for 8-year-olds, and I came to love those books. So I thought, why not, and broke down and read Twilight. And I think I figured out the proper section to file these books under at your favorite bookstore.



Girl Porn.



Sometimes I think it can be interesting and insightful to read/watch things that are outrageously popular among women but have no real appeal for me. Sex and the City for example. You can really understand what women are thinking and looking for a little bit better after watching that show. But Twilight is just flat out ridiculous. I mean, if this is what women are fantasizing about, then consider me officially terrified.



A good friend of mine argues that these books aren’t written for adult women, but for teenage girls, so of course it’s going to seem like a ridiculous, childish fantasy. Fair point, but I know that these books are appealing to lots of adult women. A friend told me that her female co-worker (who’s in her late 40s) recently yelled at her husband in a fight, “What can’t you be more like Edward!? (the male lead from Twilight)”



Allow me to delve into the more ridiculous aspects of Twilight:

• 
  Everyone I’ve talked to agrees with me on this – you start rooting for the narrator to die after about 200 pages. Probably not what you should be aiming for as a novelist. She is completely clueless and a total bitch. Even though she keeps describing herself as completely physically average and unremarkable, every guy who meets her lusts after her madly within minutes of meeting her. She loathes and totally uses her “friends” to do things for her, and as soon as she starts “dating” the “vampire”, she wants nothing to do with them anymore.


• 
  The “vampires” in this book are not vampires. Yes, they’re immortal, and yes, they have a thirst for blood. But they can get by hunting animals rather than drinking human blood. They become incredibly beautiful upon their transformation for some reason. They develop superpowers, like mind-reading and the ability to see the future. They cast reflections, they aren’t bothered by crosses, or garlic, or anything really. And my favorite part – sunlight does not kill them, but instead makes them shiny and sparkly. The whole thing about being a vampire is that you pay a terrible price in exchange for the ability to live forever. But in these books, being a vampire sounds totally awesome. There’s no downside. Sign me up.


• 
  If I had to appear to be 17 forever, but was actually over 90 years old, do you know where the last place you’d find me is? HIGH SCHOOL. These vamps regularly attend classes at high school, and apparently still do all their homework! Actually, maybe this is the big downside of being a vampire – you have to be in high school and actually go to class for all eternity. In which case, I think I’ll stick with good ol’ mortality, thanks very much.


• 
  The romance – ridiculous. The vamp guy starts dating the girl, who apparently is so hot that every other guy in town is falling all over themselves for her. She’s pretty bitchy towards him and is always yelling and getting upset, but he finds that charming for some reason. And he never wants to sleep with her. In fact, he never even tries to get any further than a Luis Castillo (i.e., first base). He wants to hear the lengthy details about her day, and talk about what kinds of music she likes to listen to and how she gets along with her parents. And since he doesn’t sleep, he breaks into her room and watches her sleep at night. Two words: restraining order.

Look, I totally understand and appreciate guy porn. Like James Bond. He’s driving awesome sports cars, he’s kicking the crap out of bad guys, he’s hooking up with the hottest chicks in the world. Sounds great. But is this really what women fantasize about – some hot guy who never wants to sleep with you, enjoys staying up late talking about the mundane details of your day, and does nothing but think about YOU every second of the day? It’s not just that I think you’re never going to meet a guy like this; I think that if a woman WERE to actually find and date a guy like this, she’d tired of him after a few months, cheat on him and then dump him.

Thus, the truly bizarre thing about girl porn (and women in general). I think that if the romance fantasy of Twilight were to come true for a woman, it wouldn’t actually make her happy. Whereas if someone wants to give me an Aston Martin, an unlimited supply of weapons, make me bulletproof, make me look like Daniel Craig, and hire me as a secret agent to defend the world, I am pretty sure I would never, ever get tired of that gig.

The next time I'm looking for some Vampire Romance, I'm sticking with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, thank you very much. You Twilight fans can have it.

The Mysterious Nielsen Ratings are Killing Me

"You just made a fool out of yourself in front of T Bone"...siiiiiiiiiiiigh

Most people who know anything about TV shows know that the measure of a show's popularity is determined by something called the "Nielsen ratings". Apparently, advertisers rely on these ratings to determine whether or not to spend the money to run commercials for products and services during a given TV show. I think that these ratings also claim to provide information to the advertisers incredibly detailed information like "Show X is only watched by 4 million people each week, but it's the 3rd most popular among hyperactive teenagers named Stephen". But I have no idea what they claim to do, or what they actually do, and that's my point. The success or failure of TV shows is being largely determined by this mysterious ratings system that I hereby proclaim to be a total sham.

I spent a few minutes researching the Nielsen Ratings at their website (www.nielsenmedia.com) before writing this irresponsible article, but since that is more time than the NY Times would spend fact-checking anything, I think that's fair. We can at least agree it is unquestionably WAY more time than the NY Post would spend. Anyway, their website claims that they "select households through one of two different methods: geographic selection (area probability sampling) in the national sample and larger markets, and randomly-generated telephone numbers (Total Telephone Frame) in smaller markets." Bullshit, I say. If Nielsen really did this kind of random population sampling, I'm sure I would know SOMEONE who at least knows someone else who has been asked to participate in the Nielsen ratings. But I've never met anyone who has.

Now admittedly, I am not the most popular person alive. I do, however, know a lot of people. Not millions of people, but I do know a lot of interesting people, and through them, people who know other interesting people. I know someone whose sister's best friend is the personal assistant for a well-known Hollywood star. I know someone whose old co-worker was a consultant for Major League Baseball and is single-handedly responsible for MLB's decision to start charging for the formerly free Internet radio broadcasts of all games (and I swear if I ever meet this guy I am slashing his tires SO FAST...). I know someone who spent over $20 to purchase a DVD of Superman Returns, when in fact it is one of the worst movies of all time. And yet I do not know a single person who knows someone who knows someone who KNOWS someone who has a Nielsen ratings box.

If you look at the terrible shows that the Nielsen Ratings declare a "success" and the awesome shows that the Nielsen Ratings declare a "failure", it suggests two possibilities: 1) 90% of America is outrageously stupid, or 2) the Nielsen Ratings aren't truly capturing the viewing habits of a lot of us. Just to help me sleep better at night, I have to believe it's Option 2.
For those times when you're sitting around thinking, "Gosh, I wish a terrible sitcom that insults my intelligence were on right now"

According to the Nielsen Ratings, Two and a Half Fucking Men (which actually would be a much funnier title) is the most popular comedy on TV. Meanwhile, I don't know a single person that watches this show. Not one. And in the interest of scientific research, I decided to try to watch one time. Jon Cryer is up on the roof fixing the satellite dish, and Charlie Sheen is holding the ladder. Jon Cryer says something like "Now Charlie, make sure to hold that ladder steady." "Of course I will hold the ladder steady, what am I an idiot?" asks Charlie to raucous fake laughter. Well, you will never believe this, but a hot chick comes by and asks to borrow some sugar (as hot chicks are wont to do) , and Charlie lets the girl into his house and LETS GO OF THE LADDER!!!! AND THEN JON CRYER FALLS OFF THE ROOF!!!!!!!! This joke might have been hilarious in 1919, before like, um, dialogue, and before people had ever seen a moving picture. But if I'd written this joke in 2007, and actually pitched it to a group of presumably accomplished writers, and they LIKED it, I think I would go home every night and drink myself into a stupor.

Conversely, low Nielsen Ratings led to the cancellation of Arrested Development, one of the funniest shows of all time that was watched by a lot of people I know personally. Two years ago, weak Nielsen Ratings led to the cancellation of Jericho, prompting enraged viewers to send 40,000 lbs of nuts to CBS (which would make sense if you'd ever watched the show). Although nobody I knew watched this show, there were clearly hundreds of thousands of fans out there who were watching and liked the show. Possibly millions, when you factor in people like me who were too lazy to actually send in nuts in protest (I think I just sent a polite email to CBS explaining that if they were to cancel Jericho I would appreciate it if they would all rot in Hell)

I also can't believe that Nielsen Ratings are taking into account DVR-d or TIVO-d programs. Most people that are smart and would appreciate good TV are probably too busy to put their lives on hold for 30-60 minutes and watch a TV show when it airs. Why should I have to alter my life to make time for TV when I can DVR a show and watch it whenever I feel like? Stupid people, on the other hand, are either unemployed or working a job that allows them to leave at 4:59 pm every day (that's right, I'm looking at you, lady at the Santa Ana office of the California Alcoholic Beverage Control Board). That still leaves you with plenty of time to eat your McDonalds and make a quick run to your meth dealer so that you can sit down at 8:00 pm to enjoy your favorite show.

I also can't believe that Nielsen Ratings take into effect people who watch sporting events or certain other major TV events like the Olympics or the season finale of The Apprentice: Season 1 (Kwame was hosed, BTW). I'd estimate that over 1 million people watched the 2008 World Series at a bar - are those people being included in the estimates of record-low ratings? If they're being included, how does that work?? Is the bartender/bar owner supposed to be doing a headcount and emailing that info to the Nielsen people?

And even if the magical Nielsen box that is transmitting information from your TV to a central headquarters really exists and is capable of doing that, in order to provide the detailed information the Nielsen Ratings claim they have, such as how many viewers aged 14-23 watch a particular show, it would still require the viewer to take some action to identify himself. Maybe it's as easy as pushing a button marked "Dad" or "Sister" when you're watching a show. And yet, I still insist that most people are SO lazy, they wouldn't even do this. Plus there are probably a lot of people who don't want to admit to watching certain shows. I know if I were watching Gossip Girl (simply by way of example, not like I'd ever actually, I mean...um, never mind) and could blame it on my little sister by pushing a button, I'd do that. Preserve my street cred.

Wait, the Nielsen box says I was watching what?? Oh, um, that was, uh, somebody else.

I guess the good news is that as DVRs are becoming more prevalent, people are cutting out the commercials, which will soon force TV to move to a new pay-per-view or subscription system, similar to ITunes. Then, I can just pay for the quality shows I want to watch (as well as any non-quality shows that I want to watch but not admit to), and the rest of America can go on watching "So You Think You Can Dance with America's Favorite Kitten XII". Until then, I'm on a quest to find all the people with Nielsen boxes (if there are any) who refused to watch Arrested Development and literally beat some sense into them.

Pay Up, Fatasses

Last week I attended a conference that focused on improving the affordability of health care in America. I was blown away by the absolutely incredible rise of obesity in this country over the last 25 years. Take ten seconds and check out this graph: http://www.revolutionhealth.com/conditions/obesity/obesity-epidemic

I'll assume you were too lazy to click that and quickly summarize: In 1990, on average 11.6% of Americans were obese. Today, 25%, or 1 out of every 4 of us, is obese. Not just "Oh, I could stand to lose a few pounds." Obese.

What's the cause for this skyrocketing rise in obesity? There's just no way that this disaster is due solely to a rise in genetic disorders that make you fat. I understand that we're all expected to work more than ever before, and have less time to cook healthy meals. I personally "cooked" fewer than 30 times in 2008, if you exclude "heating up a Lean Cuisine" or "grilling Boca Burgers on the Forman Grill". But you know what I didn't do? Eat this:

Appetizing, eh? Did you know that Chili's discontinued the Awesome Blossom?? I guarantee it was not because it ceased being popular. Some guy probably tried to eat 2 orders by himself on a dare and had his heart explode right there in Chili's. Here's something else I decided not to put in my body after 2 seconds of thought:

The Guacamole Bacon Six Dollar burger at Carl's Jr. There's a difference between "splurging" once in a while, and eating stuff like this on a regular basis. The fact that restaurants are allowed to serve us food like this is borderline criminal.

But for years I've thought, hey, you want to eat garbage and be a fatass, go ahead. Eat yourself sick. But what I learned last week is that one of the major reasons for the out-of-control cost of health care spending in this country is because of all of these obese people. In fact, obese people are extremely more likely to suffer from chronic disease than heavy drinkers and smokers. Check out this chart:

While smokers have essentially become second class citizens in this country (especially here in California, where smokers <>

Then the other day I saw this article discussing a "fat tax" in Alabama, home to the fattest people in the land: http://www.theroot.com/id/48533?GT1=38002. This makes perfect sense. Obviously you fat people are too stupid to realize you are literally killing yourselves by eating garbage and refusing to work out, so now we're just going to take the decision away from you. And now that I know that your stupid ass is hurting reasonable people like me, I'm declaring war on you. What we need to do is tax the hell out of fast food and desserts, and use that money to subsidize healthier items.

That "Dollar Menu" you love so much at McDonalds? Guess what, it's now the $5 menu. You want the large ice cream bowl at Cold Stone? No problem, that'll be $8. That Chipotle burrito? HA, that will be...um, same price. Actually less if you get the tortilla-free bol (if you thought there was any way I'd ever support a plan that increases the cost of Chipotle, you are out of your damn mind).

Meanwhile, my $5 chicken breast footlong at Subway? It's now $2.50. A grilled chicken sandwich (no mayo)? Half price.

Drinkers are already paying outrageous taxes on alcohol. Smokers are paying outrageous taxes on cigarettes. And heavy drinkers and smokers aren't even the real problem - it's the fat people. And it's time for them to pay up, and hopefully save a few lives in the process.

I'm off to ponder this plan some more over a turkey sub with extra veggies and two bottles of scotch.

The Joys of Working in L.A.

A few months ago I experienced my first major earthquake - a 5.8 on the Richter Scale, for you geologists out there - while at work. I work on the 30th floor of this building:

Needless to say, it scared the hell out of me. The building is on rollers to prevent it from crumbling in an earthquake, which, admittedly, would be a terrible thing, particularly while I'm inside. However, what the rollers do is cause the entire building to sway, creating a sensation that you are about to fall towards the window and then presumably plummet 30 stories to your certain death. I don't recommend it.

So after I feel the ground start to shake and my office begin to slide closer to the street, I get the hell out of there, as if somehow standing closer to the center of the building will help. I immediately start to panic because I didn't grow up in California, and feel that I missed some essential training that they provide to 4th graders here about what to do in an earthquake. Do I stand in the doorframe, or is that just an urban legend? I see this guy across from me hiding under his desk and go, "Am I supposed to get under a desk? I thought that would crush you!" And he goes, "What? Really?" Dude, you're from California, you're supposed to know what to do here!! I still haven't forgiven him.

Then someone comes over the building intercom, and of course, the speaker on my side of the building doesn't work. So I start jogging out to find a working speaker somewhere and try not to miss this important news announcement. I don't know if it's "OH MY GOD EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!" or "Attention lowly associates, the partners have demanded that you get back to work immediately, the firm does not pay you to stand around idly". When I do get to a working speaker, I try to listen to this potentially life-saving announcement, and...a heavily-accented gentleman is mumbling incoherently. I think to myself, "Great, I'm going to die in here because I can't understand this guy's broken English". I hear something about "please don't use the elevators" and something that's either "this IS a major earthquake" or "this is NOT a major earthquake", which does not reassure me. I find myself hoping he'll have to repeat the message in Spanish, because I think I'll have a better chance at understanding that message than the one in quasi-English, even though my Spanish is not the best ("It's OK everyone, I think he said something like we're all going to the library for hammers").

Luckily, I survived and everything was fine. Flash forward to this Monday. I'm in my office, slaving away in front of my computer, when I hear a loud explosion. My first thought is, "Oh crap, it's another earthquake!" and prepare to run out of my office again for no real reason. Then I think, "No, we're not shaking - it must be a terrorist attack!!" So I whirl and look out the window, and see an explosion coming from here:

Perhaps you've seen this building in commercials or"Mission Impossible II," or more likely in Ben Affleck's masterful epic "Bounce". It's Los Angeles Center Studios, one of the only movie studios in downtown. So with all of the natural disasters and potential violent attacks that could happen in L.A., there is also the threat that some stupid movie or TV show will be blowing shit up during the workday. Don't worry, nothing to see here, we'll just be setting off huge explosions at random intervals all day, but please, make sure to get your work done in a timely fashion.

Oh, and when the earth isn't trying to swallow me up and Michael Bay isn't blowing shit up across the street, there's probably a rally like this one that took place yesterday that prevents me from getting anywhere:

Look, I don't like police brutality any more than you do, but can you go protest about it in the Valley or some other place that sucks? I hear they LOVE police brutality in Long Beach, maybe you guys should go there to convince people how bad it really is.

I need to find a way to work from home full-time. I can't take much more of this.

You Want Spam?? I Gotcha Spam Right Here

First off, sorry about the delay in posts. I realize that of late this has been the second worst blog on the Internet, right behind October Gonzo's:

Hey, Dane Cook screaming about how there's only ONE October wasn't annoying enough, what if we make up a fake MLB blogger??

But Google decided that I was spam for some reason and kind of crushed my spirit. Luckily, I fought the man and prevailed, and am back with 150% more offensive content.

The whole spam thing really pissed me off because I actually do receive a fair amount of spam every day that the spam filters aren't smart enough to keep out, and I can't imagine what they saw on my blog that was in any way spam-like. Here are some of my favorite spam emails I've received of late:

SUBJECT: SECRET

Secret [ r0hcpn4iz@email.com ] has sent you an ecard from 123Greetings.com.Your ecard will be available with us for the next 30 days. If you wish to keep the ecard longer, you may save it on your computer or take a print.To view your ecard, choose from any of the following options:

Hmm, Secret eh? Well it's a greeting card site, so I decided to check it out. When you click the attached link, here's what you find (my comments added in italics):

Secret wrote..
Ok listen.. I have had a crush on you but I haven't been able to tell you because of... reasons you would quickly recognize as obvious if you knew who this was. I think you like me too and I want you to approach me because I am too shy. So listen. [Normally I'd have already stopped reading, but as crazy as this sounds, I actually DID get a handwritten love letter earlier this year. A story for another time.] I wrote your name on my body in marker and I want you to see if you can guess who I am by looking at the picture. I posted it on my My Webcam Network account. My username on that site is ''TheAdmirer69'' and you can search for it and look at the picture after you make an account there. [Secret, if you and I had ever actually met, you'd probably realize that I would have zero respect for someone who picks a screen name of TheAdmirer69. Now, if you'd gone with a respectable name like JediNITE or something, I'd probably be enticed.] To make an account go to [presumably, a porn site] This took a lot of courage for me to write so please look and try to guess who I am.. I also recorded a "cam show" of my body for you. [Hold up, Secret...you're too shy to tell me about your crush on me, but you drew my name on your body in marker? And then you recorded a cam show?? These are the kinds of stone-cold crazy chicks I attract.]

And then, of course, there is the ass who's trying to steal all of my money by promising me a "I know, this sounds too good to be true, but it IS true" offer.

SUBJECT: Hello Dear,

FROM: Capt.Daniel Jones D [I don't think any dude has ever called me "Dear" before, much less a Captain]; capt.danieljones@usa.army.us [A 5 second search for US Army reveals that this is not the domain of the US Army, which of course ends in .gov]

My name is Capt.Daniel Jones D. [so you cooked up this scam to steal my money, but couldn't be bothered to think up a last name? That's just lazy, son], I am a captain with the United Nations troop in Iraq,on war against terrorism. [So Captain, what do you do? Oh, well you know, I'm on war against terrorism.]

Based on the United States legislative and executive decision for withdrawing troops from Iraq come this year,and I have been deployed to come and work in your country's military base soonest. [Sir, when am I to be deployed? Soonest, Captain. Soonest.] Our mission is to help beef up terrorist targeted states,mostly the United states and the European Union on the war against terrorism. [Politics and common sense aside, I think this is trying to insinuate that once the US withdraws from Iraq, the terrorists are going to come here and attack us? And the UN somehow is sending Capt. D here to help?? I'm just confused.]

On the other hand I want to inform you that I have in my possession the sum of 16.2 million USD. which was recovered from one of our raids on terrorists here in Iraq because they keep most of their money at home for evil activities which they normally get through illegal deals on crude oil. [Mohammad, what is it you have there in those 500 very heavy sacks in the corner of your mud hut? -Oh, it is sixteen million dollars that I've acquired through illegal deals on crude oil. --Ah, what are you going to do with that money, relocate your family to a neighborhood where bombs are not being dropped on us all day? - No, my friend. I have some totally awesome evil activities planned. MUHAHAHAHA]

Based on the suffering we undergo here some of us do meet such luck. [Oh, DO you?] It happened that I went for this raid with the men in my unit and I decided to take it as my share for my stress here in this evil land filled with suicide bombers. [Um, look man I know it's hard over there, but I'm pretty sure it's illegal to just take money that isn't yours b/c you feel entitled. I can't just submit fake reimbursement requests at work because I'm unhappy and feel entitled! I'm pretty sure your employer, the US military, would totally destroy your life if they found out] I deposited this money with a red cross agent informing him that we are making contact for the real owner of the money. [Brilliant!! And of course the red cross agent didn't find anything suspicious about holding onto your $16 million that you didn't report to anyone! WHAT A SUCKER!!] It is under my power to approve whoever comes forth for this money. I wish to use this money for investment purposes. [Come on Captain, in THIS global economy?? What are you going to invest in - real estate??]

I cannot move this money to the United states by my self because I will be in here for about 3years,so I need someone I could trust [And of course, you did this by randomly picking someone online that you've never met and know nothing about. BALLSY. I like your style, Captain D.]

If you accept,I will transfer the money to europe where you will be the beneficiary because I am a uniformed person and I cannot be parading such an amount [Oh, don't worry, nobody will suspect a THING when *I* go to cash in $16 million of stolen money] so I need to present someone as the beneficiary. I am an American and an intelligence officer [Really?? Did you like have to teach yourself how to write? For an intelligence officer you sure aren't very, um, how you say...smart] ...

I decided to find someone that is real and not imaginary [probably a wise move, because Snuffalupagus would have NOTHING to do with a scam like this...although I'm not sure if we ever determined if he's Big Bird's imaginary friend or if he's real but nobody else ever sees him...either way, no WAY Snuffy touches this scam] and that is why I went to a secured site where I can be sure that the person is real [Ah, of course, Yahoo Mail. Where any good American intelligence officer goes to find someone he KNOWS he can trust].

I will give to you 30% of the sum and 70% is for me.I hope I am been fair on this deal. [No WAY, you are NOT been fair on this deal!! It sounds like YOU need ME more than I need you. I'm not going in for less than 70-30 in favor of me.] Get back to me with your full information: YOUR FULL NAME......... YOUR FULL ADDRESS.................... A SCAN COPY OF YOUR DRIVERS LICENCE/ INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER.........Waiting to receive information from you soon. Regards, Capt.Daniel Jones D.

I'm just blown away that even one person in the United States who is smart enough to read, use a computer, and check e-mail could ever fall for this. A) The money is stolen so you're committing a crime. B) This guy can't explain how he found you, but he's willing to trust you with his life and millions of dollars. C) He's using a totally fake email. D) He can barely read and write and most of his request makes no sense. Why is there not like a whole reality show where people follow up on these and try to bait these jokers into revealing themselves, the way they do to people who try to meet up with 16 year olds via MySpace. I'd pay some serious cash to see an interview with the people behind this scam, just to hear their answer to, "So, what, you can't find any better way to make money besides trying to con complete morons into giving you all of their info?" and "Even if you WERE going to steal someone's identity, isn't there like an easier and smarter way to do it? So clearly you're a crook, but are you also a complete f-ing idiot?"

And one more...

FROM: Xmas Loan [Oh, you know I have been thinking about getting a loan, and what with this credit crunch I've had a hard time finding anyone to lend. Good thing this reputable souce, Xmas Loan, is here to save the day]; peter00126@comcast.net

Subject: LOAN OFFER ----- APPLY NOW $$$

LOAN OFFER ====== APPLY NOW $$$ [Right, I get it]

I am a private loan lender,I can help you with the loan you need,Contact me for more information.Contact me at: harryjames1easyloanfirm@hotmail.comMr Harry James

[So, even though the email is from someone named Peter, who's using the very reputable and professional sounding name 'Xmas Loan', YOUR name is Harry James. Okayyyyyyyyyyyy...]

Again, if you're stupid enough to fall for something like this, I don't really have any sympathy for you. There's no way you can be adding anything of value to our society, and your parents should probably never have borne you.

Anyway, I am back online, for better or worse, and will not be selling you anything or asking you to provide me any personal information. Thanks to all of you for your continued support, and thanks for nothing to those who tried to shut me down (I'm looking at you, Google!!!)